Prolonged yearning

I read somewhere in Tumblr, which I think is not really a reliable site but whatever, that the brain is more active at nighttime than at daytime. So you better blame your sweet dreams and awful nightmares to your overly-active brain!
Anyway, the reason why I'm blogging about these shitty thoughts is that I can't seem to contain it. Especially when I'm under stress. I usually breakdown and cry. Seriously, I do that. Haha! But not much now since I got used to all the difficulties last year. I developed this strong wall in front of my emotions because I admit that these emotions can be a big nuisance when left vulnerable.
There's no use in crying, it won't get me anywhere.
I know, I know, I went back to my old masungit self again. I can't help it. I think that's what they call self-adaptation? I don't know. I just want everything to be normal again even though it lacks that one person. It's been four months and I can't get him off my fucking mind. Just like this morning, I got a high score in my test! I was really proud of myself because I studied hard for that exam. Siguro kasi nasanay ako na nagsasabi sa kanya kapag may nagawa akong maganda, I immediately wanted to text him. Sadly, I can't and I had to stop myself. Will he still care? Would he benefit from the grade? Is my message worth his time? Would he be happy about it? Answer is NO. Honestly, my heart crumbled to tiny pieces knowing I really have to face that tear-jerking truth. I've been banging to my head the truth for four months now. Shitty drama, I know.
Kaya naiinis rin ako sa ibang tao na iniiwan yung karelasyon nila kasi nagsasawa sila. I have to say that they're just some of the luckiest persons on the face of the Earth. They have someone who'll stick with them, blissful or gloomy. And in their own free will. Take it from me, it's very difficult to let go especially when the reason of the breakup doesn't involve a third party, violence, cheating, etc. Those petty impediments? Pssh. Your partner will change, you just have to make an effort. Wag kang tamad, pakiusap lang.
I love how my previous relationship went. He did not give me a lot of material things, but I still loved him. Hindi ako tumatanggap ng "bribery." Ayoko na sinusumbat sa akin ang mga bagay na yun at ako pa magmumukhang may kasalanan kapag sakali nga na nangyari yun. I think I got this trait for my parents. They sometimes never gave me the things I want but it helped me appreciate the little things I had like time. Time is more important. Back to my point, seeing him for just a couple of hours made my entire week a blast. Hearing his voice for a couple of minutes, I get to finish my day with flying colors.
I'm not that expressive but I know he did feel my love. I had to sacrifice my happiness so he won't feel burdened. Right now, I don't know if he feels happy about it. I can't tell. I really miss being in his arms again. But I'm not really expecting for that day to come, not with these kind of circumstances. I'm just thankful that God is helping me cope up and lead on again. Come what may.